Every weekend, my lovely wife and I go down to our local Ross store for a bit of wandering about and (sometimes) we even do a little shopping. Just lately we’ve noticed an astonishing amount of white people in the store. It is frightfully plain to see that white people do not know how to behave in Ross-space, which will be the topic of this post.
A NOTE for those of you who don’t’ know what Ross is:
Ross is the place where comsumer goods go to die. It is the place where you, the consumer, have one last chance to purchase old, out of fashion or low quality goods right before they go into a dumpster. It is heaven for lower income folks who don’t care if this Clavin Klein shirt is three years out of fashion, because it now costs six dollars.
Also, Ross has historically existed outside the realm of Snotty Menopausal Cracker Wenches (also known as “Soccer Moms”). Prior to the Bush Depression, no self-respecting McMansion Matron would dare set foot in Ross. Hispanics, Negroes and Queers, oh MY!!! Unfortunately, an obvious side effect of the melting economy is the drifting of the ugly Chalkie Princesses into our beloved Ross.
So, before the stabbings start happening, let me give you Whiteys some rules of behaviour for shopping at Ross:
1.) YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL HERE.
Did they kiss your lilly white butt at Neiman Marcus for years and years? Well, they did that because you paid for it. There is no “upcharge” for shopping at Ross, everyone here is equal. Move your damn cart to the side when people need to get through the aisle. Do not look frightened at all the black people and latinos – we were here long before you. And DO NOT make that snotty pissed off noise with your damn nose if the person in front of you is taking longer than you like. Nobody here gives a rat’s ass about your expectations. IF YOU DON”T LIKE IT, GO BACK TO NEIMAN MARCUS.
2.) IF THE ITEM DOES NOT HAVE A PRICE TAG, IT IS NOT FOR SALE.
Don’t expect a line full of people to stand there while you ask for a price on something that does not have a tag. This is not the way Ross works. Many items in the store will be torn apart, or separated from a group of items meant to be priced as one thing. Eventually, all the little pieces will get their own price tag, and if you are fortunate enough, you can buy it then. Ross typically has three employees on staff, and not one of those can be spared to scour the store looking for a price for your little piece of crap. Do not bring that little piece of un-tagged junk to the counter. IF YOU DON”T LIKE IT, GO BACK TO NEIMAN MARCUS.
3.) DO NOT GET IN LINE BEHIND A CART-WIELDING GROUP OF HISPANIC LADIES.
You simply can’t imagine shopping on their level. That cart they have might have a HUNDRED items in it. That is why the line behind them is so short. Anyone who has ever shopped at Ross knows damn good and well that they will be at least a half an hour at the counter. If the other line goes all the way back to the end of the store, then you go back to the end of the store. IF YOU DON”T LIKE IT, GO BACK TO NEIMAN MARCUS.
4.) WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE.
Those of us who have spent years making a peaceful, pleasant weekly pilgramage to the deathplace of consumer goods do not have any patience for your bullsh!t. Screw you. Take your attitude, your prejudice and your smart ass comments out of Ross, and don’t let the door hit your wide menopausal ass on the way out.
Is your life situation suddenly f’d up? Must be, or you wouldn’t be shopping at Ross. Well, guess what? Our situation has ALWAYS been f’d up. If you simply MUST come to Ross, behave yourself, and IF YOU DON”T LIKE IT, GO BACK TO NEIMAN MARCUS.